Edward's List of Complaints
by Vixengirl101
Summary: Edward Cullen has found some "inappropriate" things on the Internet that relate back to him. This is his letter of complaints. Rated M for some strong language.


To The Reader,

It has come to my attention that certain…people…have been "using" my name for unspeakable things. Now, I will not mention any names but I am sure they are not alone in this endeavor. Such things as I have come across can only be done with the help of others. Yes, I am stating there are _accomplices_. Now, I am writing this letter of complain before anything else gets "placed" upon the Internet. So here is a list of things that I, Edward Cullen, do not approve of:

Just because he is a dog, does not mean that Jacob Black needs a "master.

Nor am _I_ this master.

Jacob is a werewolf/shape shifter. I am a vampire. Vampires and werewolves do not get along. Do not lock us in the same room and expect us to "become friends".

Carlisle is a doctor. Doctor's examine people. This is not an invitation for S&M scenes between him and a "patient".

When I left Bella, I hunted down other vampires that were after her. I did not run off to another universe to fall madly in love with _anyone._

I have a fast car because I like it. I am not compensating for _anything_.

I do not have a "stalker" complex.

Nor an "obsessively protective" one.

I do not avoid the sun because "it burns".

Bella is not a "not-so-perfect-completely-clutzy-pain-in-the-ass-sex-deprived-human". She resents this statement.

Nor am I a "super-ridiculously-pretty-overly-perfect-able-to-resist-human-blodd-vampire".

Alice does not appreciate bring paired with anyone besides Jasper. She say stop. Or Else.

Carlisle and Esme do not have wild rambunctious sex that tears down the house.

The same can not be said for Emmett and Rosalie.

The Pack is not a bunch of "furries" and refuses to be acknowledged as such.

Alice and Bella are friends. Implying anything more is stupid.

I do not stalk or ass rape the male characters of any other stories.

Nor do I in my own.

Seth and Jacob do not approve of the implied pedophilia between them and the two girls. They imprinted, they can do nothing about it.

I do not appreciate the breach of information to random Sailor Moon characters. The fact that we are vampire is meant to be a secret.

Rosalie does not wish, in any way, to be pregnant. That would make her fat, something she refuses to become.

Despite earlier comments, I _would_ in fact, ass rape Naruto just to get him to _shut the fuck up._ I believe anyone would do so.

Just because we sparkle, this does not meant that all the male characters here are gay.

Bella's father is perfectly normal. He is not "bad ass".

James was not interested in Bella because he had "the hots" for her.

Nor does he believe that Bella stole his "oreos and cookie crunch".

Alice does not cheat as Guitar Hero by looking into the future.

Nor does Jasper cheat by making Alice lust after him so he can "get it easy"

My name is not "Sponk Ransom". Regardless of what that idiot, Robert Patterson, may wish it to be.

Again, Me + Jacob = Conflict.

Me + Jacob + Closet = World War III

None of the characters are hermaphrodites, regardless of how we look.

Leah is not a man in disguise.

Jasper and I are not in a secret gay relationship. Stop implying it.

Alice is a vampire, not a ninja in disguise. Stop saying she is.

Nor is she Naruto's younger sister.

_No_ _one _enjoys being paired with OC's who lack a sense of personal space. So stop it.

I am not in denial just because I say I'm not a "cold-obsessive-jealous-pain-in-the-ass-blood-sucking-womanizer"

_No one _here approves of sparkling.

Stop making us say "Panthers taste like chicken" because they do not.

Neither do grizzly bears.

If you wish to know what they really taste like, take it up with Emmett.

None of us are drug users, sellers or abusers. We do not condone their use.

Or the use of forgeries for that matter.

Jacob is not and never will be a sex slave. He requires that you stop immediately.

I do not "like it in the ass and on all fours." This is wrong and demeaning. Stop it immediately.

Mpreg is wrong. PERIOD.

This means your "stories" in which I get Jacob pregnant are _wrong_ as well. You can not deny it.

I do not _think_ everything I say is right. I _know_ it.

Just because I am over 50 years older than Bella does not mean I am a pedophile.

Nor am I a pervert that loves looking into little girl's windows.

I do not believe I am Superman just because I can jump from two story buildings and land uninjured on the ground. (The ground does not fare so well)

Nor do I believe I am Superman because I can run faster than a speeding bullet. I have never tried this, so I have no idea whether it is true or not.

I am older than you, therefore I am superior.

Just because I have the ability to read your mind does not mean I want to.

This includes what I look like naked.

I learned how to swim when I was five. I'm not going to drown in the water on my honey moon. Nor is swimming my weakness.

You are not at risk of becoming a zombie just because you lost your virginity and was bitten by a vampire. This is a stupid myth. It is not true.

No, I am not a member of Mythbusters just because I say that myth is not true.

There. I believe that should suffice for now. However, if I find anymore "inappropriate" things upon the Internet with my name upon them, I just may need to write another list of complaints.

Edward Cullen

**~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

**This is what happens when I can't think of anything for my other stories. 0.o**

**I was bored in class (our teacher was absent and we had a sub, so obviously, we did the only natural thing. We did **_**nothing**_**) so me and my friend decided to use our time appropriately. She drew in class while I wrote a part for one of my stories. Once that chapter was finished, I was left thinking **_**what now?**_

**So I, of course, did the only logical thing I could think of. I took my ideas and ran with them. My friend contributed to a lot of these and many of them arose from discussions we were having but all in all, the whole thing arose because my mind said **_**what would Edward Cullen do if he could see the things people have come up with?**_

**The answer, he'd write a letter of complaint. **

**Because obviously, Edward Cullen only kills animals and his own kind. He's **_**prohuman**_**.**

**So this is the result of boredom (as are most of my things), lots of time to do **_**nothing**_** and two girls who just couldn't keep their minds out of the gutter.**

**We came up with ones for Harry Potter and Naruto as well. If you enjoyed these, let me know if I should go to the trouble of posting the others.**

**Please and thank you. Sorry for the long note, but anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you enjoyed.**

**Twilight Characters and any other characters mentioned in here do not belong to me.**


End file.
